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Dear Leora,
I'm a divorced woman in my early 50's. For the past seven months, I've been intensely involved with a man who swept me off my feet after several years of being on my own. Things have been a complete whirlwind since we met, however, my feelings have shifted dramatically since the events of September 11. Whereas before everything he did thrilled and excited me, now I'm starting to see him and our relationship much more critically. I'm trying hard to find the substance underneath all the fluff, but frankly, I'm not sure it's really there. Everyone I talk to tells me I'm having a stress reaction to world events, and that I shouldn't be so quick to throw away something special. I've heard therapists say this isn't a time to make final decisions, but I can't ignore the tremendous anxiety I'm feeling about a future with this man. Should I start dating other people again, or simply give the relationship more time?
Dear Stressed,
No relationship is ever black or white. I suspect the concerns you're now having were there prior to Sept. 11, but you may not have given yourself the chance to really ponder them in the zeal of a new love. The shock of September 11 has caused many people to examine whether they're truly fulfilled in their relationships, because our priorities and needs have become much clearer as a result of the trauma.
Your letter is vague on the details, but it sounds like while there may be alot of drama and excitement, you doubt whether this man lacks the fundamental qualities which would make a stable, long-term relationship possible. Dating other men at this juncture, might not be the answer, however, since that might only confuse you further. Since what you're lacking right now seems to be clarity, I would focus on the relationship, and keep your eyes open.
Pay attention to how he addresses your moods and whether he's able to sooth you. Does he dismiss your concerns and needs, or does he make an effort to comfort you in your distress? After all, it's easy to enjoy someone when they're up; it's much harder to tolerate someone's negativity, especially when the stress is ongoing and there are no easy solutions, as unfortunately, is the case today.
The bottom line to ask yourself is whether you feel better with him, or whether his presence in your life is further agitating. Is he, in turn, able to share his innermost feelings with you as well, or is it all about having a good time for him? If a mutual exchange of feelings and ongoing support isn't forthcoming, this may not be the right relationship for you. If that's the case, you're better off for having learned this now.
I would give it through the holidays and see which way things go. If you're not getting what you need by then, I would move on in search of someone who shares your values and possesses the substance necessary to make a relationship work. Good luck and please stay in touch.
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